“I remember how I’d wait to see you pull into my driveway on your bike. A smile strung my lips together as I watched you ride around in wobbly circles waiting for me to come out and play. How long ago was that? This is the stage of loss that I wasn’t expecting - the part that we all hold on to despite knowing that we shouldn’t. Your laughter no longer has a sound in my memory and our conversations only exist because of old text messages that I can’t delete and paper notes from middle school that I keep hidden away within a memory box. Your face is recognized only because of the cruel reminders shared with me through automatic social media updates that I can’t bring myself to turn off and I find myself questioning if I am actually remembering you as my friend or you as a person. There are no longer sounds of you within my circle and the silence has become haunting. I find myself looking out the same window as I did as a child looking for something and nothing at the same time because old habits always die hard. What a waste of a beautiful friendship.” Images shot on @cinestillfilm 800T with a canon A2e.
2 2710 minutes ago
But mom, I'm not a quiet person, I've told you a million times!
Dry suit, paddle, ice axe!!! Slightly changed equipment list! 😂Had to work as icebreaker yesterday breaking up a line to reach out to unfrozen waters. Very fun to play with the ice, to see how much (or rather little) ice that's possible to kayak.☃️☃️
Warning real life moment:
It starts with my failed half-cooked attempt at a healthy dinner at 12 at night. My mind wanders. To the days that I sleep past noon even though the night before I've promised myself that I'll never do it again. All the times I've wanted to cry after failing for what feels like the millionth time to message someone back and I fear that they think I don't care about them. To the many many times I look into the mirror and shame myself for my appearance. That I'm not doing enough to change it. But that's just it, I'm never doing enough. I look to the left and then to the right. All these people racing past me. They're prettier, healthier, better dressed, more productive, and they never ever sleep past noon. I'm so busy looking around at all these people that I stumble and fall to my knees.
But that's always the moment I remember to look up. What a relief that He is always there. Always ready with another gentle nudge to push me forward again. Always towards another little victory. And before I know it, I glance back and realize that they have all turned into one great big victory. He never demands perfection, just that I continue to offer my mess. Then He takes it and says "hey can I use this for a second?" When He returns, a life is changed. And then I sit and look at my mess and then I look at the changed life and I think, "wow I'll take this over perfection any day" and then all the people rushing past me disappear and its just me and Him again taking it one step at a time. Together. As it should be.
3 3148 minutes ago
Outcomes aren’t real. Goals, aspirations... they’re just products of specific processes. The process is the product.